Copyright Information and Disclaimer
This book is copyright 2012-2014 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy,
distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part or to
contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this book…
this isn’t professional, legal or personal advice… it’s our opinions and intended for
your personal entertainment only. You are solely responsible for any actions you take
and we’re not responsible for anything you decide to do in your life.
Before you read any page beyond this one, you agree to the following:
"©2012-2014, All Rights Reserved. You do not have permission to copy, distribute, sell, or
create derivative works from this book or our website without permission from A New Mode,
Inc. through express written permission from the authors, Eric Charles and Sabrina Alexis. By
reading any of the contents of this book beyond this page, you agree to the following: You
understand that the information contained on this page and in this book is an opinion, and it
should be used for personal entertainment purposes only.
You are responsible for your own behavior, and none of this book is to be considered legal or
personal advice."
Now let’s move on to the fun stuff…
Prologue
1
Introduction
4
CHAPTER 1: The Mindset And Behaviors That Kill A
Relationship
16
WHAT MEN CONSIDER NEEDY BEHAVIOR
16
HOW NEEDINESS RUINS A RELATIONSHIP
21
HOW TO PREVENT NEEDINESS (AND BE THE WOMAN MEN CAN’T RESIST).. 25
HOW TO REDEEM YOURSELF FROM NEEDY BEHAVIOR ………
32
CHAPTER 2: When Seemingly Good Connection/
Relationship Goes Bad
38
WHY DIDN’T HE TEXT BACK?
38
WHY DIDN’T HE VANISH?
45
WHEN A GUY ACTS DISTANT AND WITHDRAWS
53
CHAPTER 3: When You Don’t Know How He Feels About
You
64
HOW TO KNOW IF A GUY LIKES YOU
64
HOW TO KNOW IF HE LOVES YOU
69
HOW TO KNOW IF HE’S PLAYING YOU AND/OR JUST WANTS SEX ………..……. 73
CHAPTER 4: When A Guy Won’t Put A Label (Or A Ring)
On It
81
WHEN A GUY WON’T CALL YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND
82
WHEN HE WON’T COMMIT ON FACEBOOK
93
WHEN HE ISN’T PROPOSING
95
CHAPTER 5: Dealing With A Guy With Baggage
103
DEALING WITH A GUY WHO LOST HIS JOB
103
DATING A GUY ON THE REBOUND
107
DATING A GUY WITH “EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE”
113
WHEN TO WALK AWAY
119
CHAPTER 6: How To Get Him To Treat You Better And
Value You More
122
A LITTLE APPRECATION GOES A LONG WAY
122
BE THE PRIZE AND HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE CAN TO WIN YOU OVER... 128
BONUS FOOTAGE
135
Final Thoughts
136
Free Chapter Intro
From Sabrina Alexis
Once upon a time, long before A New Mode even existed, I was just
like you - an amazing woman with plenty to offer who just couldn’t
seem to get the love I wanted.
I wanted to have an amazing relationship with an amazing guy, a
guy who loved and appreciated me for exactly who I was, but it
just never panned out. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get a man; it was
that I couldn’t seem to make it stick. And even when I did find
myself in a relationship, I always felt like I was at the mercy of the
guy, like the relationship was a ticking time bomb and the slightest
movement on my part would set it off and send him running for
cover.
I could never really enjoy my relationships because I was crippled
by the fear of everything coming apart.
The real kicker for me was when the guy who I considered to be
the love of my life left me for someone else. Not only that, this new
girl managed to turn him into the guy I always wanted him to be.
With me he was distant and confusing, giving me no comfort or
security in the relationship. Even though he was with me, I never
felt like I had him. I felt like he was always just beyond my grasp
and could slip away at any moment. With her, he was Mr. loving
and affectionate.
He became official with her in a matter of weeks, he posted album
after album of the two of them on Facebook. With me it took six
months to get him to admit we were in an actual relationship, and
being official on Facebook was totally out of the question.
At the time it made zero sense to me. I was so good to him, so
loving, so kind, why wasn’t he that kind of guy when he was with
Free Chapter Intro
1
me? Why wasn’t I worthy of his love in the same way she was?
Was she better than me? Prettier? Smarter?
The answer is no. The answer is something I didn’t discover until
much later. The problem wasn’t that I was unworthy of him, the
problem was I didn’t know I was worthy of having an amazing
relationship. Instead, I accepted whatever scraps he was willing to
give, and as a result, all I got were scraps.
This guy wasn’t the only one who broke my heart, there were
others who dented it along the way.
Time after time I just felt so helpless and confused. I just wanted
to understand what I was doing wrong and how I could attain a
happy relationship with a guy I could just be myself around. I felt
so lost and alone, two of the worst feelings there are in this life. I
would buy books on relationships and read any article I could get
my hands on, but the answers I was desperately seeking were
never found.
What I didn't realize at the time was one fundamental secret about
how men operate, an understanding that put an end to my
confusion by making me realize that men really aren’t so
complicated. From there, relationships became easy, fun, and
effortless. Once I spread the gospel onto my friends and watched
as their relationships completely transformed as well.
My years of heartache instilled an overwhelming desire to create a
resource where women could get answers to all their dating
dilemmas. And not just any answers—real, honest, no-nonsense
answers that cut straight to the heart of the matter.
I teamed up with dating coach Eric Charles in 2008 to launch A New
Mode and within a few short months our readership exploded on
account of our relationship content.
In time, we decided that blog articles wouldn’t be enough to help
our readers get the relationships they were seeking….we needed to
get it all down in a book so they could really learn the system
inside out.
Free Chapter Intro
2
And this is how ―He’s Not That Complicated: How to Crack a Man’s
Romantic Code to Get the Relationship you Want‖ was born.
With this book, our mission was to break down the most common
relationship issues and identify why they happen and how to avoid
them. When you understand how men operate and what a
relationship looks like from a male’s perspective, you will know
exactly how to get the relationship you’ve always wanted.
Without further adieu, I hope you enjoy this free chapter from the
book.
3
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good
Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
"Before you fall in love, make sure there is someone there to catch
you." - Anonymous
The most common types of questions boil down to amateur
detective work on why a guy didn’t do what the girl wanted him to
do.
The questions take on different forms, but ultimately the
pattern is this: A girl likes a guy... he shows some kind of signal
that he might like her... a courtship of sorts ensues and things
seem to be going great, but then… he starts to withdraw. As soon
as this happens, the poor girl becomes overwhelmed with self-
doubt and confusion about the guy and might start chasing him and
hunting him down to get some answers…which causes him to
withdraw even further.
The ultimate question comes down to this: "I thought he liked
me, what happened?"
We get flooded with e-mails about how some guy didn’t text
back or didn’t call or didn’t set his Facebook status to say "In a
relationship." The majority of these issues could be resolved by
doing one simple thing: backing off. When you take a few steps
backward, it gives him the space to move a few steps forward and
put forth a little more effort to win you over. Keep going and you’ll
see what we mean.
WHY DIDN’T HE TEXT BACK?
Using a guy’s text message habits as a litmus test for your
relationship status seems to be the norm these days (even though
it’s completely and utterly arbitrary, but we’ll get to that later).
If a guy doesn’t text a girl back it’s usually for one of the
following reasons:
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
4
He’s not that into her
He’s busy
She’s being needy and he doesn’t want to deal with it
He didn’t have his phone nearby
He’s hanging out with another girl
First and foremost, do not try to fix the behavior with why didn‟t
yous (Why didn‟t you call? Why didn‟t you tell me you might be
late? Why didn‟t you text back sooner?), nothing along those lines!
You might think you’re drawing a line in the sand, but he sees it as
something else entirely: neediness.
Here are a few tips to help you keep a clear head and an
objective perspective if you find yourself in this sort of situation:
Examine the Circumstance
We live in an ADD culture and when a guy doesn’t text back
immediately, it’s most likely because he’s busy. Guys tend to be
single-minded in what they’re doing and tend to focus on meeting
one objective at a time. If a guy is busy, the last thing he wants is
to be interrupted over and over again with text messages and the
burden of having to respond right away. Usually, what started out
as something innocent (him being busy) turns into unnecessary
drama (you overreacting and seeing it as a sign that the
relationship is in trouble).
Before you get all riled up about his texting habits and what it
means, examine the circumstances. If he disappears when you're in
the middle of making plans and things start to get complicated (you
say you’re busy this day, he’s busy on that day, you’re free after
eight, he can only do before seven), then he probably got
distracted somewhere along the way and is directing his attention
elsewhere. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to see you; he was
probably in the middle of something else and planned on getting
back to you when he could focus and didn’t feel the need to text
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
5
further at that exact moment since you guys were going around in
circles anyway.
He may also go silent if you’re having one of those texting-but-
not-talking-about-anything conversations (How are you?...Good,
you?...Good, work is stressing me out…Same, today has been non-
stop…Same here…). Guys are very goal-oriented and oftentimes
they’ll just get distracted and not feel the need to text further
unless it’s for a specific purpose.
Men are not women, shocking right? While most women can
effectively juggle a minimum of five things at a time, men have
enough trouble focusing on one thing at a time. Just because
texting while you’re in the middle of a million other things comes
easily to you doesn’t mean it’s the same for him. Women are
naturally good at multi-tasking; most men are not. Remember this
and cut him some slack when he takes longer than you would to
respond.
We can never really know what’s going on in someone else’s
head. When it comes to this whole texting issue (and by the way,
most guys have no idea how crazy this whole texting/calling
regularly thing is for girls, none!), trying to get to the why is an
exercise in futility. A much more effective use of your time is to
focus on how you react to the situation.
The Best Reaction Is No Reaction
When you stop reacting to things automatically, you gain
awareness of the situation. You will stop getting lost in emotions
that don’t help you and will gain a clearer perspective on the best
way to respond (if the situation even warrants a response). When
you are unreactive, you get to choose the best move. When you
are able to see things from a more objective standpoint, you’ll
realize that him not texting you back promptly isn’t that big of a
deal.
Rather than getting consumed with fury when he takes a while
to respond, just shift your focus and do something else. And
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
6
whatever you do, don‟t wait on him. People tend to see how much
they can get away with. If you’re always available to a guy, he’ll
treat you like an option rather than a priority. If you are selectively
available and only act as accommodating as he is to you, you will
get the respect and "good behavior" you’re looking for.
This isn’t just a guy thing, it’s a human thing - we value only
what we have to work for. Or, put differently, we value the things
that aren’t guaranteed or freely available to us unless we earn
them.
When trying to figure out the appropriate response to certain
situations, it’s helpful to think about the way you interact with your
friends. If you text one of your friends asking what she’s up to that
night and don’t hear back from her for a few hours, do you go into
panic mode and assume she no longer cares about you? Do you
analyze the last text you sent her, searching for hidden clues to tell
you what you did wrong? Do you feel angry and throw your hands
up with an exasperated I just don‟t get it!? Probably not. Chances
are you don’t even notice how long she takes to answer your text.
And if you do, you probably assume she’s busy or doesn’t have her
phone handy.
Wouldn’t life be so much easier if you could respond in the same
calm and collected manner when a guy you like takes a while to
text back? Well then there you go! The choice is up to you.
Remember, this doesn’t make you a pushover or a doormat. It
makes you a confident woman who doesn’t need a guy to text her
every five minutes in order to know he really cares about her.
Assume He Likes You
If you assume he likes you, you remove the fear and the anxiety
that stems from this whole "why didn’t he text me back?"
conundrum. He likes you. You know he does (or at least, you’re
doing a good job convincing yourself he does!), so what is there to
worry about?
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
7
People who assume other people like them are more likable.
The same is true for people who assume others don‟t like them: if
you believe you are unlikable, people will be more likely to dislike
you. Sure, it may seem a little delusional to force yourself into
believing the other person feels the way you want them to feel, but
the truth is that we do it all the time anyway. The trouble is most
people automatically assume the worst and look for signs that point
to the outcome they don’t want. If you’re going to make any
assumptions, you may as well go with the one that serves you
instead of one that guarantees failure.
Be Complete
One of the best things you can do is make sure that you have a full
and enjoyable life. When your life is meaningful and full of friends,
fun, and fulfillment, you won’t fall into the trap of obsessing when
that next text is going to come or if he called or not; you’ll be too
busy enjoying the rest of your life.
If you are smothering a guy with needing him to reassure you
and text you back constantly, you will drive him away. The right
move in this situation is to back off, keep your life filled with fun
and exciting options, and give him space to put in the effort and
pursue you. This isn’t being manipulative - guys actually like to
pursue women (to a point) and they appreciate having the space to
do so.
What It Looks Like
Marissa and Luke had been seeing each other for a few months and
while things were going well, Marissa was growing increasingly
frustrated by Luke’s texting habits.
Luke would often go MIA when they were in the middle of
making plans and while she often accommodated his flakiness, she
was getting sick of telling her friends, "Oh, I can’t commit to
anything this weekend because I might have plans with Luke, still
waiting to hear back…" She called him out on it a few times and
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
8
while he would apologize for "leaving her hanging," the problem
persisted.
Luke was simply a bad texter, some people are just born that
way. He didn’t mean to do it; he wasn’t intentionally trying to piss
her off; he just didn’t have any sort of substantial motivation to
change this ingrained behavior. By waiting around for him to
respond and being so accommodating to his schedule, Marissa was
perpetuating the very problem she was so steadfastly fighting
against.
Eventually, Marissa decided enough was enough. One week she
made tentative plans with Luke to do something that coming
Saturday. True to form, he didn’t finalize anything and simply
stopped texting after they decided "maybe we’ll do something on
Saturday." Marissa knew if she pressed him to make a definite plan
he would just give her vague answers ("I may have to work, I’ll let
you know," "My friend might be coming to town, not sure yet, I’ll
keep you posted"), so when he didn’t lock down something by the
end of the week, she made other plans. That Saturday, Luke texted
her at around 5 p.m. asking what time they were meeting and was
stunned when she said she couldn’t see him because she made
plans with her girlfriends.
"What do you mean you have other plans? We were supposed
to do something tonight."
"Well you said you might be free, but we never decided on
anything concrete, so I assumed it was a no go. So sorry for the
mix up, have a fun night!"
Luke stayed home that night twiddling his thumbs and torturing
himself with thoughts of how many guys were hitting on his girl at
that exact moment. From then on, he never left her hanging and
was sure to make definite plans in advance.
When He Goes from Texting A Lot…to Nothing
There are some situations where a guy is a horrible texter from the
start (like Luke), and other cases where his texting habits slowly
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
9
disintegrate over time. In the beginning, he’s a texting machine.
After a month or two, not so much. He’ll text here and there, but
nowhere near his texting glory days.
The problem is not that you are doing something inherently
wrong to cause him to text less frequently. The problem is that it’s
not sustainable. Texting constantly is—to put it bluntly—a pain in
the rear for most guys.
In the beginning of a relationship, it’s natural for the guy to try
to win you over and to do whatever he can to keep your attention
on him. And what better way to insert himself into your mind than
by texting you throughout the day? Once things are a bit more
established, he may not feel the need to do this anymore. Also, it’s
not a realistic, sustainable habit to be constantly texting little
messages all day.
Guys, lovable as they can be, usually like to use the phone to
make a plan and that’s it. They don’t like chitchat if it’s not towards
a purpose; it’s just not how they’re wired.
A big mistake many women make is assuming the guy no
longer feels as strongly for her because he texts less frequently.
Texting isn’t a barometer for the relationship. The time you spend
together, and how meaningful and enjoyable it is, counts much
more than the amount of time that has elapsed since his last text.
Instead of counting the texts and analyzing the emoticons, put
your focus on creating a life that is fulfilling outside of the
relationship and a connection that is meaningful within the
relationship.
WHY DID HE VANISH?
Now this is a frustrating situation if ever there was one. You’re
seeing a guy, you think things are rolling right along splendidly,
and then suddenly he’s gone, vanished without a trace. You
consider for a moment if he might be dead or in a coma, but you
notice there has been activity on his Facebook page, so that’s not
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
10
it. He has just suddenly and abruptly decided he no longer wants to
see you and you’re left trying to figure out why.
At the end of the day, you don’t know why and there is no way
you’ll be able to know for sure. And frankly, it would be a waste of
time to try and play detective. There’s no benefit to putting yourself
through that agony.
It really doesn’t matter why he vanished or what, if anything,
broke the camel’s back. The bigger issue here is your emotional
state. You’re confused, you’re worried, you’re upset. You’re racking
your brain trying to pinpoint the moment it all went wrong. You
examine all the possibilities. Is it something I said? Something I
did? Something I didn‟t do? These emotions are all understandable
when someone you care about disappears.
The Most Likely Reason…
While every situation is different, these disappearing acts usually
occur because the guy feels trapped or freaked out by the
relationship and finds it easier to just remove himself entirely
instead of looking you in the face and telling you why he doesn’t
want to be with you (does anyone, guy or girl, ever really want to
have that conversation? Yes it’s the more dignified approach, but
it’s also the more torturous!).
This sort of thing doesn’t usually boil down to one particular
thing you said or did. It’s probably rooted in an overall vibe that
you’re conveying, and that vibe would be none other than our dear
friend neediness. If you are absolutely positive that you did not
send out any "needy" signals and you were as cool and confident as
can be, then he probably has a wife and kids somewhere, or maybe
he did lapse into a coma. It’s always one of those three.
Guys aren’t anti-relationship. A guy will happily hop into a
relationship with a woman who brings out the best in him and
makes him feel great about who he is and what he has to offer. If
you communicate, even in the slightest way, that a relationship
with him is going to be some kind of life preserver or crutch for
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
11
your emotional stability, he will definitely not want to pursue a
relationship with you. His reasoning will most likely be that he’s got
enough problems of his own to deal with and the last thing he
needs is to take on someone else’s.
The best thing you can do is work on yourself and focus on
becoming the best version of you. Be the kind of girl that no man
would ever dream of leaving without an explanation, or leaving
period.
When a Guy Vanishes After a Great First Date
While not quite as tormenting as when a guy you’ve been seeing
pulls a vanishing act, a guy disappearing after an amazing first date
is equally puzzling and can do a number on your self-esteem.
There are a few possible reasons why a guy might fade into the
abyss after a seemingly wonderful first date. Either he wasn’t that
into you and was just being polite throughout the date, was
primarily trying to get laid and decided not to push it any further
when you didn’t put out that night, or he didn’t think you were that
into him.
Possibility #1: He’s not that into you
For whatever reason, he may just not be into you. Sometimes the
chemistry just isn’t there, it happens. There is also a possibility that
you came across as alarmingly eager. Interest and enthusiasm are
not the same as over-eagerness. If he feels that you’re unjustifiably
eager, he may want to get out of the situation as quickly as
possible.
On a first date, a guy can usually piece together whether dating
you is going to be more of a liability than a good thing for him. He
asks about yourself, he gets a sense of how much you enjoy your
life and what you do to fill your time. If you pretty much don’t
enjoy anything (you don’t really like your friends anymore, you
don’t like your job, you don’t like your lifestyle), then he is most
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
12
likely going to avoid dating you because he doesn’t want to be the
guy who has to perk you up.
On the other end of the spectrum, talking endlessly about how
great your life is reeks of the same emotional baggage. Bragging
conveys that you have something to prove and that you’re trying to
impress him. You don’t have to tell him about how many guys hit
on you when you go out, or how your ex is still so obsessed with
you, or how you are the most important person at your job, or how
you have the coolest life anyone can imagine. If you carry yourself
with confidence, he will assume these things all on his own and
then he will be the one trying to win you over.
When you make a strong case for your awesomeness, all he’ll
see is your insecurities and no guy wants to deal with that. Next
time you find yourself asserting your "greatness," take a step back
and remember this phrase: A rich man doesn’t need to tell you he’s
rich.
Suggestion: A useful concept to keep in mind is the self-fulfilling
prophecy—that which we believe (or fear) tends to come true when
it is focused on earnestly. This concept can have a positive or
negative effect on a person’s life, depending on whether they
habitually focus on positive outcomes or negative outcomes. If you
go into a date full of fear of rejection, you are setting yourself up to
get rejected. If you go in with confidence, truly believing this guy
will be powerless against your charm and endless virtues, then you
pretty much guarantee a second date before you even start the
first one.
Possibility #2: He doesn’t think you’re into him
Guys can be somewhat uneasy when they first meet a woman. It
varies from guy to guy (and also depends on how many women
he’s dated), but sometimes it takes a bright blinking neon sign in
order for a guy to know that a woman likes him. As guys get more
experienced with women, they generally know that their best bet is
to assume the woman is interested in them and act accordingly
(respectfully, of course). However, not all guys come from this
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
13
place of internal validation and they may look to the woman for
signs that indicate she’s attracted. If she is guarded, playing hard-
to-get, or just not a very expressive type of person, he may
interpret her behavior as meaning she’s not feeling him.
Here are a few things that a woman might do unconsciously
during a date that signal to a guy she’s not interested:
•   Texting or talking on the phone during a date. (If you
genuinely have to and you’re apologetic, that’s fine.
Otherwise, red flag.)
•   Not smiling.
•   Not really participating in the conversation. He talks and you
respond with something minimal in an indifferent tone.
•   Actively showing disinterest in talking to him - paying
attention to other things happening in the room, checking the
time, checking for the waiter to hurry up and bring the bill.
Confusing Situation Decoded
You go on a date with a guy who not only seemed really interested,
but actually said, "I’m really into you"…and never hear from him
again (or worse, receive an e-mail from him apologizing and saying
he didn’t feel a "spark"). You feel utterly confused by this,
especially since he poured it on so thick, telling you how
beautiful/amazing /smart/incredible/fabulous you are and even
ending the date with a passionate kiss. No spark?!
The most likely explanation here is that during the date, the
guy, for whatever reason, decided that you weren’t the kind of girl
he could see himself with. However, he still finds you sexy and his
feelings of attraction may overpower the logical side of his brain,
hence the sweet nothings. To put it bluntly, he'd be up for having
sex with you, but not into having a boyfriend-girlfriend type of
relationship with you (which is what he believes you want).
This scenario is one of the main reasons women are warned so
heavily against sleeping with a guy on the first date. If you sleep
with this kind of guy, he’ll never call again and if you don’t sleep
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
14
with him, he’ll also (most likely) never call again. The moral of the
story? Ignore the kisses and compliments and hone in on the actual
person.
Cheat Sheet
On a first date, it’s always best to show interest without seeming
over eager. If it sounds confusing, here are some quick tips to get
it right:
Do: Listen to him, make eye contact, keep your phone tucked away
(and if you must check it, do so when you take a bathroom break),
ask questions, smile, laugh when he says something funny (or
something he thinks is funny), find subtle ways to touch him.
Don’t: Hang on every single word like a love struck Romeo, agree
with everything he says even if you don’t actually agree, brag
about yourself, complain about your life, talk about your exes, ask
when you’re going to see him again, ask him what he’s looking for
relationship-wise, be too aggressive, throw yourself at him.
When A Guy Vanishes Before A Great First Date
You meet a guy—maybe it’s at a bar, a coffee shop, bookstore,
wherever, and it just clicks. You talk about hanging out sometime,
swap digits, he says he’ll call…and he never does. Now you’re really
flippin’ confused. How can he dump you before taking you out on
one stinkin’ date?
This premature vanishing act can occur for a million reasons.
You never really know with strangers; he might be married with
kids or a serial killer on the loose. He may have chickened out or
maybe he forgot about you (this is usually the case if you met at a
dark bar during the wee hours).
You can never really know with absolute certainty why a guy
never called, but we can give you helpful pointers to up your odds
and help you become more call-able.
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
15
The best way to pique a man’s interest is to be confident, open,
friendly, and able to hold your own in a conversation. Talk to him
like you already know him (as opposed to awkward, interview-like,
stilted bar conversation). This establishes a connection and comfort
level and reduces the risk of him chickening out on making the
phone call.
Here are a few more handy pointers:
1. Have him picture you hanging out together
This is a great psychological trick. When you’re talking to a guy that
you’re digging, try to maneuver the conversation toward things you
two could do together. Most importantly, get him to picture doing
whatever this thing is together with you. It doesn’t matter what it
is—cooking, grocery shopping, rock climbing, playing Wii Tennis. If
he is able to picture the two of you having fun hanging out in the
future, it is much more likely to happen.
Having someone picture hanging out with you in the future and
having fun makes them feel comfortable with the idea, like it’s
already happened. Remember, don’t force things along (unless
you’re incredibly skillful in conversation), just work it in naturally
and gently.
2. Don’t be afraid to be challenging and/or tease him a bit
Most men would agree that the women who make the biggest
impression are the ones who challenge them in some way.
Sometimes they’re challenging by teasing a bit. Sometimes they’re
challenging by not going along with everything he’s
saying. Sometimes they’re challenging by calling him out on his
B.S.
When a woman is challenging, in addition to being interesting
and fun, it’s an irresistible combination. Being challenging without
any other qualities, however, is just plain annoying. When you can
mix in a little bit of challenge in addition to your normal charming
disposition, you’ll find that a little push goes a long way.
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
16
A lot of women misinterpret this to mean being difficult, bitchy,
or contrarian. That is not what we recommend. The simple trick
here is to act like a complete equal who can expand and deepen his
experience of life because you don't just go along with everything
he says and everything he does. If you do agree with him or want
to go along with him on something, by all means do! It would be
silly to put up static against what you do want.
Don’t be afraid to voice your true feelings and true opinions for
fear that the guy will reject you. In reality, this kind of honesty will
only deepen your relationship with him (and his respect and
attraction towards you).
3. Enjoy the conversation for what it is
Girls who have experienced this sort of disappearing act many
times before may end up developing a complex around it, telling
themselves things like, "All the guys I actually like never call me
back" or, "Guys never call me, what am I doing to scare them
away?" This automatically poisons their interactions with men
because they will be coming from a place of fear and, you guessed
it, neediness.
If you go into a conversation fearing that a guy won’t do
something that you want him to do, you are bringing neediness into
the interaction. That is, you need him to act a certain way
otherwise you’ll feel worried/upset/sad/insecure.
Neediness is one of those vibes that just repels people, even if it
doesn’t manifest in an outwardly obvious way. Neediness from a
guy is just as repulsive to a girl as neediness from a girl is to a
guy. Think about the guys who go out of their way to impress you
before they even really know you. Does this make you feel special?
Probably not, it probably creeps you out.
So what’s the solution? Enjoy the conversation for what it is. Put
your best self forward and if you like him, try to set the stage for a
date.
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
17
4. Assume he’s going to call
No matter what, assume he’s going to call from the start of the
interaction and stick to that assumption! Don’t try to get him to
give you this assurance by saying something desperate like, "Are
you sure you’re gonna call? You promise? You pinky promise?" And
don’t think you’re being stealthy by hiding your desperation under a
cloak of flirtation with something like, "I bet you always hit on girls
and say you’ll call you sneaky little stud you."
No matter how you phrase it, if you try to get some sort of
guarantee that he’s going to call, you’re telling him that you’re
insecure and don’t think you’re good enough for him to call. If you
don’t think that about yourself, why should he?
5. Let it be
Once you’ve done all that… that’s it. Women set the stage for
future heartache (and a whopping headache) when they analyze
and obsess over the details. If you don’t hear from him and you did
everything we mentioned above, then there were extenuating
circumstances that had nothing to do with you (the wife, the kids,
the cops on his tail).
Your only option at this point is to take a step back and swallow
a giant chill pill. Maybe do some yoga, practice meditating, hang
out with friends, any distraction is good because the thinking and
obsessing will only cause more problems down the road.
WHEN A GUY ACTS DISTANT AND WITHDRAWS
Before a guy vanishes, there is often a period of withdrawal. Only
he doesn’t seem to experience any withdrawal symptoms. No those
are reserved for you (nausea, stomach pains, anxiety, sweaty
palms, insomnia). Yes, as he withdraws, you go further into
withdrawal. You are a junkie and he is slowly weaning you off the
drug known on the streets as Him.
This is a critical time when the fate of your relationship is
almost entirely under your control.
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
18
When a guy pulls back, the curtains open, the spotlight is on
and it’s shining right down on you. How you react tells him exactly
who you are and what kind of girl you will be in a relationship. It
might not be true, but it feels pretty darn true to him so he’ll back
off, more and more.
The way you react to him pulling away speaks volumes and is
the deciding vote in whether or not this relationship will survive.
You are down to your final question and your lifelines have all been
used up. Are you sure you want to choose that reaction?
Now to be clear, we do not advocate intentionally manipulating
your behavior for the sole purpose of getting the guy, that’s just
neediness all dressed up. No, if you’re going to survive this
inevitable relationship hurdle, you need to genuinely be in the right
place emotionally.
When a guy starts to pull away, a lot of women hit the rewind
button in their minds and think back to a happier time—the
beginning. He liked me so much at first, I don‟t get it! He told me I
was beautiful, that he had never ever met anyone like me, that I
was the most magnificent creature to ever walk the earth. Why is
he doing this?! Why???!!!
We’re gonna get to all of that, but first let’s talk about the
things guys say in the beginning of a relationship because this
really seems to trip up most women.
"But he was so sweet in the beginning, was it a lie?"
When a guy says things like, "I’ve never liked a girl so much so
soon," or texts you saying he misses you when you barely know
each other, he is not making a declaration of everlasting, undying
love for you. He is just saying that at that moment, he feels good
about you. However, all emotions are subject to change.
Statements like this should be enjoyed, but taken with a grain of
salt and not treated as milestones or markers of the quality of your
relationship. Not in the beginning, at least.
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
19
The things a guy says in the early stages of a relationship are
also often rooted in his own insecurity. That may be hard to
believe, but it’s true. He doesn’t know whether or not you actually
like him or if you are attracted to him, so he may throw things out
there just to see how you respond and to get a read on the
relationship potential. Everyone wants to be liked; it’s a great
feeling for both guys and girls. However, it’s important to keep in
mind that all that mushy stuff he piles on in the beginning is
primarily his way of hooking you in and seeing where you stand,
not necessarily his way of expressing his feelings.
It’s not that he doesn’t feel anything for you or that he won’t
feel anything for you, but at this early phase, it’s all just poetry. It
will be real when both of you are convinced that you like each other
and you are both able to drop your guards and get to know each
other on a more real and personal level, one that doesn’t involve
reading the proverbial signs.
When he feels that there is a real connection between the two
of you, when he knows that you like him back and you both enjoy
your time together, that is when things will take on a more
meaningful shape.
When the Sweet Talk Stops
He’s being all sweet and it’s working, you start to really like him…
and then there’s a palpable shift. This is usually the point where the
guy realizes that you really like him, he has you, and he doesn’t
have to worry whether or not he could lose you anymore. Things
are probably starting to get comfortable—you make plans regularly,
you’re in contact more frequently, and a relationship seems just
around the corner.
While you might start getting really excited by this prospect,
this particular guy has probably gotten freaked out. At this point,
he’s afraid everything he said in the beginning led you to believe
that you guys are a couple. As a reaction to this fear, he may start
acting out to show you that this is not the case. He cancels plans,
he goes MIA for days at a time, he acts distant when you guys do
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
20
speak or hang out. You feel overwhelmed by confusion and yearn
for things to go back to the way they were.
At the root of it, the same sense of insecurity that made him
obsessed with finding out if you like him is now scaring him into
thinking that you’re going to take his freedom away. This is a guy
thing; he might be completely faithful to you in every way, but he
still wants to feel like he can do whatever he wants. What may
seem like a sudden loss of interest is really just his way of holding
onto his freedom. It doesn’t mean he’s not into you anymore; the
reason he’ll send those sweet texts from time to time is to make
sure you know he’s still interested. His behavior is really his way of
trying to slow things down. The way you respond determines
whether they ever pick back up.
The Freak Out Phase
The Freak Out Phase usually occurs after a relationship hits some
sort of milestone. This can be something substantial, like becoming
"official," or something subtle, like a sense that the relationship is
deepening. As soon as this happens, an alarm bell may go off in a
man’s mind, scaring him into thinking that he’s about to lose his
freedom and independence. As a reaction, he may withdraw a bit.
The way you respond during this time is critical.
If you start getting on his case (Why didn‟t you call? Where
have you been? Why are you being so shady?), he will start to feel
trapped and suffocated and will pull away even more. If you keep
badgering him, he will no longer see you as a prize he needs to win
over, he will see you as a desperate and clingy pest.
When you take his actions personally and assume he’s
withdrawing because of something you said or did, you will start
acting all needy and insecure, suffocating the guy with your fears
and concerns. When this happens, his mind goes, SEE!! I told you
you're losing your freedom! Look at how she's all on top of you
now! Not giving you even an ounce of space or freedom for
yourself! Run Forrest, run!
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
21
When a guy asks for space, this is what usually happens:
1. Guy, for whatever reason, feels emotionally unbalanced. This
could stem from feeling pressured, fear of commitment, or any
number of reasons, but something is causing him to feel a little
"freaked."
2. Guy feels he needs to handle his issue and thinks that having girl
around will make it much harder for him to figure things out.
3. Guy tells girl he needs space.
4. Girl gives him space, but then starts thinking about what she
could have done wrong and tries to figure out what sparked this
sudden need for space.
5. Girl’s thinking quickly becomes coated with tremendous
insecurity, fear of abandonment, jealousy, a feeling that she
screwed up somehow, or that she wasn’t good enough.
6. Girl works herself into such an emotional wreck that she can’t
help herself from contacting the guy, hoping to receive reassurance
or validation while trying to force things to go back to the way they
were pre-freak-out.
7. Guy feels pressured and interrupted, which makes him more
emotionally unstable and makes it harder to handle his issues.
8. Guy pulls back further, girl sees this as further confirmation that
everything she was fearing is true.
9. Cycle continues, repeat steps 7, 8 and 9 indefinitely.
A guy can withdraw for any number of reasons and it isn’t a
phenomenon exclusive to the early stages of a relationship. Guys
may also take a step back when they feel that something is wrong
in the relationship and they want to get a handle on how they feel
about it on their own. What they don’t want is someone hounding
them to explain their feelings and actions, especially since they’re
not clear on these things themselves.
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
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Or maybe there’s nothing going on upstairs and he’s just testing
the waters before he emotionally invests himself further…
The Testing Phase
What many people refer to as the "Testing Phase" is actually more
like "the guy showing his true self to see how you will react phase."
Realistically, a guy isn’t always going to act the way he did in the
very beginning. In the beginning, he’s trying to win you over. He
calls you every day, he takes you out to nice places, and when he’s
with you his focus is fully on you. However, this can’t go on forever.
There will be times when he can’t constantly check in and
eventually, he’s going to have to devote energy and effort to areas
in his life outside of you.
What may feel like a test or a withdrawal is often just him being
his normal self. The way you respond is vital if you want the
relationship to live to see another day. If you instantly pounce on
him when he takes a while to text back, he may see it as a taste of
worse things to come, of more constant questions, of more
demands he has to fulfill, and he will head for the hills. If you freak
out when he turns his head to look at a pretty girl or if he has a
conversation with a female other than you, he’ll see you as
insecure (and a little crazy) and there is nothing that turns a man
off faster than that (actually neediness can, but neediness and
insecurity go hand in hand).
The best way for a guy to determine if he wants to be with a
particular woman is to see how she reacts when she doesn’t get
what she wants. Think about it, it’s easy to be with a woman when
she’s happy and when you’re doing everything she wants. But
that’s not always possible; every man knows that sooner or later
the woman is going to be unhappy with something he says or does.
For a man, it’s better to know how she’ll react to these things
before he gets in too deep.
When a guy "tests" you, he’s really looking to see how secure
you are and how well you can handle yourself and your emotions. If
you lose control, you will confirm his preconceived notion that all
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
23
women are crazy and too emotional. Keep your cool and handle
yourself with dignity and he will think he has finally found the
diamond in the rough. At last! A woman who will let me breathe!
I‟m hanging onto this one and never letting go!
It may seem childish or unfair, but before you rage against the
whole system, remember that women also have their way of
testing men. We may complain about it, but when you get to the
heart of it, testing is a good thing. Testing is how we protect
ourselves from long-term heartache and eventual heartbreak.
If a girl is too insecure to handle having to wait for a text or her
guy glancing over at another woman, then she's really not ready
for a long-term relationship anyway, plain and simple.
An Important Clarification on Testing
Many women hear about men "testing" women in relationship and
get this idea that men are intentionally doing and saying things to
test a woman's response. This is not the case. Men don’t seek out
ways to cause drama and promote game playing. A man's ideal
world is a world with no drama and no problems.
The reality is that men are just going along being themselves
and when a girl reacts with drama and turmoil, they notice it. Men
can't help but take note and remember these things. Guys are
typically pretty understanding; they understand that everyone has
the occasional bad day. But when they see a pattern of drama,
neediness, or insecurity, it becomes a huge red flag. This is all
picked up subconsciously; it's not that men are intentionally testing
women, it's just that men can't help but pick up on, and remember,
bad reactions.
The Post-Coital Test
The way you behave after you sleep with a guy for the first time is
the biggest "test" of all, so if you want this relationship to work,
you best not screw it up!
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
24
After you sleep with a guy, he will often assume that you’re
going to get attached and want to be his girlfriend, like, yesterday.
It's a powerful stereotype that isn't going anywhere anytime soon,
sorry.
Again, it comes down to being cool, collected, and confident. Do
not start having visions of the future; stop planning those couples
vacations in your mind; stop thinking of all the fun things you and
your new boyfriend are gonna do. Why stop? Because he's not your
boyfriend yet!
If you guys are official before you seal the deal in the biblical
sense, then just move along at the same pace as before. Don’t
assume everything is different now because in his mind it isn’t, he’s
just so terrified that it is in your mind. After you sleep with a guy
for the first time, he turns into a teeny tiny mouse; even the
slightest most minute thing can send him scurrying off to vanish
into the nearest hiding place until it’s safe to come out.
Remember, play it cool. Act as if everything is the same and do
not press him for any sort of reassurance. If he backs off, do not
freak out. He did not use you, he wasn’t only looking to get laid, he
isn’t backing off because he no longer cares. Pulling back a bit
might not even be a conscious decision on his part, it may be a
manifestation of society’s notion that all women turn into clingy
crazies after they do the deed and he might unconsciously be trying
to see if it’s true. Keep your cool and he will know you’re a keeper.
Just to clarify, a relationship certainly can deepen after sex,
especially if you wait until you’ve established a solid connection
with your partner. It really varies from one couple to the next, but
for all intents and purposes, it’s best to not over-dramatize things
and keep moving along at the same pace. If there has been a real
shift in the dynamic of the relationship, you will both feel it and the
level of commitment and intimacy will intensify organically.
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
25
The Proof is in the Science
A study conducted on a college campus to understand gender
preferences when it comes to dating versus casual hookups can
better elucidate how men and women typically react after getting
physical. Overall, researchers found that men and women prefer
traditional dating over random hookups and both genders were in
accord on the benefits and risks of dating and hooking up.
However, there were some notable differences:
•   Women more than men seem to want a relationship. Women
fear, both in dating and hooking up, that they will become
emotionally attached to a partner who is not interested in
them.
•   Men more than women seem to value independence. Men fear
that even in hooking-up relationships, which are supposed to
be free of commitments, a woman might seek to establish a
relationship.
Fun Fact: The fears men have about women wanting a relationship
right away aren’t fully unwarranted. There are biological reasons
why women become more emotionally attached to their lovers than
men do. Studies conducted to better understand romantic
attachment discovered that orgasms cause both oxytocin and
vasopressin to be released from the hypothalamus (the part of the
brain that is responsible for pleasure and mating).
Although the two neuropeptides associated with continued
attachment are secreted in both men and women, oxytocin and
vasopressin have a stronger influence on women. What this means
is women, much more than men, will get that warm and fuzzy
feeling and feel a deep connection to their partner as a result. If
you notice your feelings for him have suddenly changed while in a
state of post-coital bliss, remember that this "connection" you feel
is just an illusion, or rather, the crafty work of some feel-good
hormones!
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
26
How to Get Through the Tests and Freak Outs
Surviving the "Freak Out" or "Testing" phases is pretty simple: just
play it cool.
Guys want to keep the drama in their lives to a minimum.
When a girl starts making a guy’s life more uncomfortable, less fun,
less enjoyable than before, he’ll try to get away from her as quickly
as possible. You don’t want to be the crazy lady he’s running away
from, you want to be the awesome girl he can’t stop himself from
moving closer to, and you can be!
There is nothing more appealing than a confident, happy, self-
fulfilled woman. Ask any guy and he’ll agree that this sort of a
woman is the ultimate dream girl. Unfortunately, such a woman
can be very hard to find. This is why it is so unbelievably important
to find happiness within yourself before you jump into a
relationship. If a guy knows that you don’t need him in order to be
happy, he won’t be afraid that being with you will mark the end of
his days as a free man. If he sees that you have your own life and
enjoy doing your own thing, he’ll know that you won’t cause a fuss
if he does the same.
Remember, a guy is only as invested in you as the effort he
puts into the relationship. If he’s not putting forth effort, he’s not
investing in the relationship. So don’t try to push him to do
anything - live your life and give him the space to come to you. If
he does, great, he’s further invested. If he doesn’t, well as they
say, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Either way, that’s much
better than pushing on him, him pulling away, and you smothering
the life out of the relationship.
The results can be pretty astounding. If you just back off a bit
and let it be, he will suddenly go from mixed-signal-sending-jerk to
knight in shining armor. If you don’t believe us, give it a try.
CHAPTER 2: When A Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
27
Free Chapter Outro
From Sabrina
Like what you just read? Well there’s plenty more where that came
from, five more chapters to be exact, plus an entertaining
introduction, bonus footage, and some final thoughts that will help
you move on from the relationship woes of your past and into a
better and brighter future, one where you can easily and
effortlessly get the love you’ve always wanted.
Get it now here:
==> www.anewmode.com/hes-not-that-complicated-book/
The reason you subscribed to our mailing list and read this free
chapter is because you want to understand men and have a happy,
fulfilling, amazing relationship with a man who respects and
appreciates everything about you. And you want to do it by being
yourself, not turning yourself into some stereotypical version of
what you think men want.
The remaining chapters of the book delve deep into the following
areas:
•   The kinds of behaviors that push men away…. And what draws
them in and makes them never want to leave your side.
•   How to know beyond a shadow of a doubt if a guy likes or
loves you
•   The real reason men are resistant to commitment and
marriage (forget what you've been told, it's not what you
think!)
•   How to get him to be more attentive and romantic….and how
to do it in a way that makes him want to give you everything
and be the best partner possible
•   What mean really want from a relationship (it’s not the same
thing that women want)
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•   How to reach him deeply, even if he's withdrawing, acting
distant, or you think it's too late
•   Why guys keep you waiting by the phone…and how to
guarantee he calls or texts promptly
•  
….and pretty much everything you’ve ever wanted to know
about men and relationships.
If you read our entire book, you can have that and more. You can
be the woman who gets the amazing guy and keeps him captivated
and you can do it by being yourself.
Our goal in writing this book was two-fold:
•   We wanted to help you understand how men think so you can
be done with the days of banging your head against the table
and analyzing what he said and what it means
•   We wanted you to get what you deserve- a loving, mutually
fulfilling relationship with a man who adores you.
With our articles, we’ve given you bite-sized pieces to build a better
relationship. With the book, we’ve put all the pieces into place and
map out a full picture of what you need to know and what you need
to do to get the relationship you want, ASAP!
The best part? It really isn’t that complicated to have these things.
Once you know how men operate, you’ll understand exactly where
you’ve gone wrong in the past and will know how to be the kind of
woman who gets and keeps the guy, without any stress, worry,
fear, or endless hours of analyzing his behavior with your
girlfriends.
If you read the full book, you will have complete clarity over your
current relationship issues as well as past relationships that left you
devastated and thoroughly confused. You will also gain confidence
in yourself, you will learn to see what it is you have to offer and
how to use those assets to their fullest potential so you can get
everything you’ve ever wanted out of life, not to mention, out of
your relationships.
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Get it now here:
==> www.anewmode.com/hes-not-that-complicated-book/
But don’t just listen to me. Here are reviews from girls who have
read the book…
Reader Reviews:
Just finished your book, loved it and felt it was worth every penny
and more
to the ANM audience that hasn't purchased this yet, I
highly recommend it! There's a lot of info that has been broken
down in easy to read format with cheat sheets for go-to reference.
If you're like me, you won't be able to put this down from start to
finish. Now I feel like I have a better focus and more clearly defined
purpose into the type of relationship I've always wanted to
have
I knew the two of you wouldn't disappoint.
– Joanne
Just wanted to congratulate you guys on this great book. There
were a lot of "Oh my god! This was exactly what I did!" and "Dear
god, I wish I had known all of this sooner!" moments. Like your
articles on ANM, this book is very VERY helpful. I've learned a lot
and I am certain I'll be able to apply everything I've learned from
you guys in my next relationship. Thank you guys. You both rock!
- Ika Koeck
So finally I read your book and I have to say it is brilliant and to the
point. I read it in one sitting because I couldn't put it down. You
systematically addressed all the most crucial issues and laid it out
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Reading this book has changed my life. No joke! It was eye-
opening in so many ways. I was able to pinpoint exactly where
things have gone wrong in all my past relationships. At times it
made me feel foolish because I realized I was making the same
mistakes over and over. However, I finally have answers. I don‟t
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have that “what happened?!” feelings anymore. I know I‟ll be
rereading this again and again.
- Brittany
Put simply … thank you! This book has been enlightening and most
importantly explains why people think or react in a certain way.
The „final thoughts‟ page perfectly sums up how I feel … ready to
close the past and excited to look to the future with a whole new,
far less complicated, outlook.
- Donna
I love how this book is different from many relationship books out
there, it does give you the knowledge and understanding, not just
some clichés and bitchy advice. Unlike others it does not teach you
to play some kind of role, manipulate, or change yourself
completely to get what you want. It teaches you to understand
men and maybe even more importantly, yourself. I would say one
just needs an open mind, happy attitude, and this book to find the
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- Lana
I bought the book last night and I could not put it down. I seriously
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- Heather
All right, enough talk, time to take some action and get the results
you want! The full book can be purchased here:
www.anewmode.com/hes-not-that-complicated-book/
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And once you finish it, please e-mail us with your feedback. We
work very hard to give our readers exactly what they want, so don’t
be shy!
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